Crossover Fic: We Don't Need Another Hero

[jjpor]

Crossover Fic: We Don't Need Another Hero

Another short crossover fic in the same vein as the ones I've been writing in response to that meme, except that this one came as a result of a prompt in a Teaspoon review rather than on that lj thread, so I'm posting it separately. Obviously, none of the characters or copyrights involved here actually belong to me. Nine, Jack and Rose, meet...

We Don’t Need Another Hero

 

“Hurry up, Doc!” Jack yelled, more than a little desperately, as he continued to hold off the waves of Sontaran troopers charging up the marble steps of the grand temple. The black-armoured corpses were piled up ten deep in the enormous entrance arch and his plasma gun was starting to smoke, but there was still no end to them.

 

“Hurry up?” The Doctor, struggling with two handfuls of multi-coloured wiring, was just a little bit outraged. “Tell me, Jack, have you ever tried to defuse a fully-armed Quark Bomb with double-trembler fuse and anti-tamper mercury switches? Well, have you?”

 

“Have you ever tried to hold off the entire Sontaran XXIV Army Corps? Huh?” Jack had discarded the half-melted gun and was now bashing an unfortunate Sontaran’s head repeatedly against one of the stone pillars.

 

“And have you two ever tried getting on with something without arguing like an old married couple?” Rose asked them both, continuing to hold the Doctor’s leather jacket while he worked on the bomb. The Doctor paused where he was busy applying the sonic screwdriver to a particularly recalcitrant circuit; Jack spared her a glance from where he was currently beating another Sontaran over the helmet with the blown-off leg of one of its comrades:

 

“Shut up, Rose!” they both said, as one.

 

“I was just saying…” she grumbled as Jack stared out of the doorway in something like despair:

 

“Oh my God, they’ve got flying tanks!” The whole temple shook as the first shell crashed into it.

 

“Which will be the least of our worries when this thing goes off and blows the planet in half,” the Doctor muttered, trying to force his hand further inside the bomb casing. “Say what you want about the Rutans, they build good bombs.”

 

“Hang on,” said Rose, pointing at the sky visible through the archway. “Who’s he?”

 

“That guy skydiving without a parachute?” Jack asked, incredulously. “No idea…”

 

“Well, he’s managed to drop straight through the hatch of that flying tank,” Rose pointed out.

 

“And now he’s using it to take out all of the other tanks!” Jack almost laughed.

 

“And now he’s jumped onto that other tank and he’s riding on top of it, shooting the Sontarans on the ground!”

 

“With two guns at once!” Jack sounded impressed, despite himself. “Their own guns!”

 

“What are you two going on about?” the Doctor asked, irritably, managing to tear his attention away from the bomb. At that moment, a tall, sturdy figure appeared in the entranceway, standing on top of a pile of dead Sontarans.

 

“Well, that seems to have taken care of them for now,” he boomed nonchalantly, lighting up a cigar. “How are you doing with the Quark Bomb?”

 

“I’m managing!” The Doctor snapped. The man strode towards him; somehow, he managed to make long bleached-blond hair and a metallic-coloured flying jacket look good.

 

“Let me take a look at that, old fella,” he suggested, taking off his reflective sunglasses. “Ah, yes, a Mark IV; tricky little beggars. Luckily, the off-switch is quite easy to locate…” He pressed something; the bomb buzzed and switched itself off.

 

“The off-switch?” The Doctor sounded furious, despite the fact that the man had just saved the planet from getting blown in half.

 

“Hello there,” the man was saying to Rose, still puffing on the cigar. “One doesn’t often meet beauties such as yourself in this part of the galaxy. I’m charmed.”

 

“Oh.” Rose was speechless for a moment. “Thanks.”

 

“That was amazing,” Jack grinned. “I mean, the way you…”

 

“Oh, I don’t know, big guy,” the man smiled, modestly. “You seemed to have the situation well in hand; I just thought I’d lend what assistance I could.”

 

“Lend your assistance?” Jack’s grin widened. The Doctor was staring at the newcomer in disbelief:

 

“Big guy?”

 

“Captain Jack Harkness,” Jack smarmed, extending a hand.

 

“Name’s Rimmer,” said the man, shaking it manfully. “Ace Rimmer, Space Corps.”

 

“Where have you been all my life?” Jack wondered. Ace grinned back at him:

 

“Bread’s not buttered that way, big guy, but for someone as ruggedly handsome and handy with a plasma carbine as you are, I might make an exception.” Jack, incredibly, actually blushed.

 

“Are you like some sort of…hero, or something?” Rose asked, adoringly.

 

“Me, a hero?” Ace shrugged. “I’m no hero; just glad to be part of a great team; and you guys look like a great team to me.” He picked up a couple of fallen Sontaran blasters, cigar clenched between his teeth: “Now, if you’ll excuse me, lady, gentlemen; there are still a hundred thousand Sontarans between us and our ride out of here; I like those odds!” He bounded over the pile of bodies in the doorway and out of sight: “Smoke me a kipper, big guy! I’ll be back for breakfast!”

 

“I’m surprised he can get out the door with a head that big,” the Doctor sniped, taking his jacket back from Rose; both she and Jack completely ignored him, too busy gazing after Ace, breathing, in unison:

 

“What a guy!”

 

END.

 

 

Comments

[gm-andy.livejournal.com]

LOL

That was great

[jjpor.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[thisbluespirit]

Ooohhhhh.... I think my grin just broke my face in half. You know, that one's so overdue. Why has no one done it before? Brilliant, brilliant! (Not that I didn't love the Romana & Rimmer one, but Nine, Rose and Jack running into Ace is blindingly perfect.) I'm left wanting more. :-D

[jjpor.livejournal.com]

Haha, well...I could see something like this working in more words; it'd be nice to have more interaction between Nine and Ace, actually. Whenever I write Nine, I always seem to write him in that period when he had both Rose and Jack with him; I think they made a good team, and you get a different vibe with multiple companions anyway. Red Dwarf failed to hit the same highs in its last couple of seasons, but along with the "Arnold Arnold Arnold Rimmer" song, that whole lunatic sequence with Ace battling the Nazis is pure gold. The crocodile! "That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!" (in German with subtitles). :D

Thank you very much anyway, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[thisbluespirit]

If you feel the need to continue this, don't hold back! Mind you, it's note perfect as it is. Oh, and it had to be this team, I agree. (Nine, Rose and Jack were quite fun. There's nothing like TARDIS bickering.)

And, yes, I was reading it as a nod to that over-the-top Ace scene in (what's the ep called? Stoke Me A Clipper?) as well as the original one and felt the only thing missing was the crocodile. There should have been an inexplicable crocodile. (I quite like Season 7 in places, but Season 8 has Too Many People. The first couple, Duct Soup, and Blue I like quite a bit.)

You can see Ace popping up again to annoy the Doctor after this - Ten and Rose, Ten and Martha, Ten and Donna. (*brain explodes at thought of Donna meeting Ace Rimmer*) Maybe our Rimmer trying badly to be Ace...? The Doctor's increasing irritation would be quite something. Just as he's about to save the day, despite appearances, of course. :lol:

Sorry, I'm getting carried away, which probably means I'm typing deliriously out of hunger and should go get my tea instead. ;-)

[jjpor.livejournal.com]

Yes, go and have some tea! (Although I suspect you've long had it by now!)

Depending on how over-the-top you wanted to go with Ace's heroism, there are a whole load of daft action-movie conventions you could bring up/make fun of...I mean, Jack veers into that sort of territory himself sometimes (when I write him, anyway - beating Sontarans to death with their own legs?! Don't know where that came from XD). But yeah, I was thinking of that whole bit, surfing on crocodiles, motorbikes, Reg Holdsworth out of Corrie as a Nazi (wasn't he also that very camp German general in 'Allo 'Allo??), etc. Princess Bonjella! I just remembered what hear name was and laughed myself sick! "There'll be time for explanations later, and hopefully some sex." What a guy!

Er, yeah, with Jack there I was thinking of the matey hero-worship going on between Ace and Lister in Dimension Jump, and Rimmer's sickened/jealous reaction to it. Not that I'm comparing Nine to Rimmer or anything!

Right, now I've got this image of Donna trying to play Bond-girl to Ace and succeeding in frightening off even that stalwart hero of a man... Ten'd be doing that astonished/horrified expression he does in all the publicity pics!

[thisbluespirit]

I could tell! I could see the invisible crocodile. (And, despite my Allo Allo fic a while back, I've no idea. He wasn;t any of the regulars, but I can't swear to him not being a camp German General at some point.

Donna and Ace Rimmer, oh dear. (I have to add the Rimmer, or I get terminal confusion because of the other Ace who I more usually associate with you!)

[jjpor.livejournal.com]

Hmm...remembering very vaguely, it was some sort of gathering of high-ranking Germans at the chateau, and Rene for some reason was pretending to be a waiter, and, er, hilarity ensued. It wasn't a big part or anything, but I noticed him because I used to watch Corrie at around the time he was in it.

Now I can see Donna/Ace Rimmer (and yes, best to clarify with the surname! :D), or attempted Donna/Ace Rimmer anyway, on her part...

[akashasheiress.livejournal.com]

Man, Jack and Ace Rimmer; the universe might implode!

[jjpor.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think he probably ditched Nine and Rose after this to go off adventuring with his new hero...XD

[evilawyer.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha!

[jjpor.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :D